Soft Opening

After nearly a year without blogging, writing the first blog post back comes down to writing the first words, right? Seems so simple yet I've kicked around this idea of coming back for days, weeks, maybe even months.

I don't even remember stopping. It wasn't a conscious decision. I took a weekend off after blogging every day for a month. A weekend turned into Wednesday, which turned into two weeks and 10 months later, here we are.

I've missed it, but I think some of the reason I lost it is that I couldn't figure out my voice. Am I showing my life as a PR professional in pro bike racing or am I simply showing me? If I frame it as a glimpse into my job, then I'm not motivated to write the blog. I love my job, but I aim to pour my creativity into my clients, not myself.

If it's pulling back the curtain on what it's like to live out of a suitcase, function in a predominantly male environment and attempt to thrive as an expat and all the dirt, grime, glitter, and joy that comes with that, then I can do it. 

Maybe I shouldn't link to this through a professional website but juggling another website doesn't seem worth it. I work 16-hour days for months straight. Long ago, I gave up on having a work/life separation. My work and life blend nearly seamlessly together, so I feel that this blog is simply another example of that. 

Calling It

This is a lazy post.

It was a good day, but a long day. I woke up slightly before 5am and I wasn't too excited about it. I didn't have my suitcase, so I couldn't put on clean clothes, work out or do much. Instead, I got to put on the still damp, a bit stinky clothes I'd worn the day before, sink washed in hotel shampoo and hung over the air conditioner in an attempt to dry. It was underwhelming at best.

It's now a quarter to 10pm and I'm crawling into bed. I would say from a work perspective, I worked full gas for a solid five hours and then off and on for the next seven hours, so plenty was done. But I also felt like I was able to decompress and be normal. I went outside, went to shops, spent more money than I should, got excited by all the options and choices and then got overwhelmed by American. It's way too easy to spend money here.

Now it's time to snooze and hopefully wake up sometime after 5am. Maybe I won't be the first person at breakfast waiting for them to put the coffee out at 6:30am. At least it was a damn good hotel buffet breakfast.

A girl can dream....

Continuous Motion

I come from a big family, and we traveled a pretty impressive amount for our large numbers. When I was little, we owned a Volkswagen bus that my dad had taken the benches, rotated them 90 degrees and bolted back so they lined the sides and faced each other. The VW symbol was flipped upside down.

We went to the Outer Banks in North Carolina frequently and once a year did a trip to Florida, typically to Disney World. Once the first minivan came out, our trips got upgraded and we hit the Florida Keys and did ski trips. I also got to ride the train and do at least an annual trip to Washington DC or New York City. This sense of wanderlust was ingrained in me early. I remember one thing that I really loved the most was when we’d travel far enough that the weather shifted or that the trees/scenario changed.  I loved trying new foods and remember my first tastes of raw oysters on the half shell, sea conch soup, a real Ruben sandwich, and on and on.

I started working around 16 and saved my money and started going on solo trips. I do appreciate that my parents let me fly, take the car or ride a train solo throughout high school. As long as I checked in, paid for it myself and didn’t have any problems, I was allowed to keep doing these trips.

When I reached college and needed to pick a career, I knew I loved to travel. I tried to come up with a career where someone else would pay for me to travel the world. I wanted to see it all. So Political Science with a concentration in International Relations seemed the most likely. During college, I got to study abroad in France and did a humanitarian trip to Honduras. Immediately following graduation, I headed to Europe and backpacked for three months and went to 15 countries. My wanderlust has only grown and spread since then.

When I take a moment to slow down and appreciate my life, I feel so spoiled. I live in Belgium. Last week, I spent part of it in Italy, and now I’m on a plane to the US for a few days. It never gets old. Even returning to the same races or same places doesn’t feel redundant. I get excited about a little reflection of familiarity that’s mixed in with the hope of a new restaurant or adventure.

One day this will all slow down, and I want to be a place that I embrace that when it happens. Until then, I’m going to go big and always say yes to the extra glass of local dessert Sicilian wine that the waiter tells me I must try or extend one of my work travels by a day or two (which rarely happens but I aim to do it when I can!) to wander around and explore. More is more.

Smarter, Not Harder

Back in February when I wrote out my six month goals, one of them was to work smarter, not harder or longer. Today at Milan- San Remo was a perfect example of putting that into action.  

This is the longest one-day race of the year and that played a major decision into how I organized my time and planned my approach. Additionally, it's probably the biggest single day for the team of the year. So my race aim was to maximize that potential and I managed to do it in the easiest way possible. To be honest, this was by far my easiest (and favorite) Milan-San Remo to date.  

In the past, I drove the many hours from Milan to San Remo. After the race, I drove again to Nice. This meant I spent probably 6-7 hours in the car driving stressful Italian roads. I was exhausted by the end and far from the sharpest me. 

This year, I split up duties and assigned tasks to other people. Basically, the thought was 'how can they support me from afar?' I simply left from the start and drove 30 minutes to a decent but basic airport hotel that had solid wifi. I was able to be productive from start to finish. No time was lost driving a car or fighting with Italian wifi and I feel I was able to achieve even more professionally.  

Little pat on my back for thinking outside of the box and figuring out ways to be smarter. And now sleep. Super early tomorrow, I'm hopping on a plane for the USA.  

Impending Travel Days

I've lived out of a suitcase and on the road for several years, but it still amazes me how the transition throws me off every time. When I'm home, I get a little nervous about leaving. When I'm about to head home, I get anxious about all the free time and basic tasks like grocery shopping. Either way, I transition so quickly and seamlessly that it makes me slightly bemused that this still happens.

I'm heading out tomorrow for about 10 days but that'll include quite a few flights, time zone changes, and two contientents. It should be a great few days of work and I'm excited for what's to come. Food is the only thing that even brings me concern. Will I have access to food that I can eat? For the past few trips, I've packed a lot of backup food with me (cans of tuna, bags of lentil, protein powders and bars) but I'm kind of wing it for this trip. I'll throw in some protein powder and a few bars but otherwise, I'm going to figure it out on the way. That's all part of the adventure, right?

Milan-San Remo Monday

This week is full gas; one of those weeks that the whole calendar is based off of. I knew all weekend today would be big; I woke up this morning feeling blah, feeling overwhelmed. I felt like my to-do list was so long that it couldn't be tackled. I felt defeated before starting. And it was only 7:30 am. 

I spent the weekend thinking about this. I knew feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and buried wasn't how I wanted to start the week. I tried to avoid it and here it was. So I took a few moments to slow down and make the conscious decision to approach everything better.

instead of feeling buried by that massive to-do list, I told myself I would get it done. I'm not lazy and checking boxes would be enough. There was no need to approach it like it was anything bigger than a list. Step-by-step. 

But more importantly, I decided to find a happy, positive and good mental place to approach it all from. Instead of being buried, I tackled it.  

Guess what. It's after 10:30 pm and I worked until now. I never saw this coming. But I'm okay. It was all for the greater good and I'm excited about things to come. I smiled throughout the day, grabbed moments where I could and basically just went with things. Do I want to work this late? No. I have pretty strict boundaries I try to keep. Yet sometimes it's worth it and for the next two weeks, this might be more my norm than my exception. If I can keep approaching it from a positive, calm place, I feel pretty confident I can weather it (there better be some relaxing at the end of this!!!!) 

Con Brio!!! 

Aligning on Abundance

Aligning on abundance, say what?! Those seem just like funny words strung together. But it's actually a mindset I try to focus on. It doesn't mean having the most money in the world or owning a closet full of shoes, it is more a broader mentality that I try to approach life with. Something more like focusing your aims and intentions on garnering life's riches.

For the last week, maybe longer, I've sort of lost that path. I think it was clear in my writing that I was in a more negative place than I like to be. I don't think that's any one person or thing's fault, I actually take all that responsibility on myself. For the past week or so, I simply focused on doing and acting for other people. Sure, at times I thought about, "what do I need or want" but that was pretty rare and I feel that was a universal fault of mine. I'm happier and everyone else is happier when decisions are made from that positive place of "what do I need or want".

Today, I slowed down and tackled the day with that intention. Sure, I still worked probably 6-8 hours. But I also stopped by and saw a friend, got out for a 7-kilometer walk, snuck in some yoga and made a dinner that fed my soul (white bean soup and grilled salmon salad). The reason that I was able to get myself to a happier place was that I tried to make decisions based on what would bring me the most joy and happiness. "What do I need or what"?

It might be strange for some, but my work brings me such joy and happiness. I absolutely adore my job and even more so, I love my riders and this unique project. We are at a big race in Italy and they are riding like rockstars. I love being able to showcase that. Most people wouldn't want to work on a Saturday, but I have so many goals I want to achieve professionally for this project this year, that it means I want to work on a Saturday. And most likely another full day again tomorrow on a Sunday. I want to know that I'm putting in all the effort that I can to help us succeed.

This shift in mentality was greater than just work. I also decided it was time to let go of the whole pre-surgery weight battle. Every year, my happiest weight, confidence, and food times are around the US races--Tour of California, Utah and Colorado. Today, I tried to figure out why and a large part of it is just being back in the States and having familiar foods. But it's also greater than that. When I'm in the US, I let myself enjoy because I know I'm not going to get tacos, roasted hatch chilies or a local California pinot again anytime soon. I prioritize the good things and somehow everything else falls into place. It dawned on me today that maybe I should prioritize the good things, live life now as if it was where I wanted it to be and then simply see what happens? No more focusing on the I shouldn't or I can't have or do...yet also taking a moment when making decisions to ensure they are the right ones. Not just blindly doing this. That's why the US model works--I know to appreciate.

Life has taught me that focusing on the good things won't let you down....so why not focus on an abundance of good things? And let's see where this leads.....

Tomorrow: March 10th

Tomorrow is an incredibly important day for my life, my career, sort of my everything. The date has been looming for nearly three months and a lot of things come down to a decision. This has nothing to do with my team nor my employer. More the country I live in.

Basically, send me super good wishes and warm thoughts from tonight through tomorrow afternoon Euro time. Hopefully, I'll have a joyful and gleeful post tomorrow evening that'll be a bit more informative. 

Battling Future Thinking

Like any Type A personality, I battle with stress and anxiety, especially when it comes to control. I guess you could say I have some control issues. While I live and work in a world that is constantly in flux (and I can handle all that fairly seamlessly), it's the little things that I want to have complete control over. Sure, I never know if I'll be home or traveling in a week from now and that causes no issues. If I wake up to more tasks, errands or chores than expected, I may freak. Overall, it's the weight and to-do list that wreaks havoc. 

I find myself thinking, 'when I get back to my pre-surgery weight, I can be happy and have a little more flexibility.' Maybe enjoy what I'm eating. Or 'after June, the Tour of California and work calming down, I can relax and find some free time for a hobby or two.' Maybe enjoy going to a movie or taking an afternoon off. 

I  think it's this future thinking that causes my anxiety and stress. I do it because it helps me compartmentalize and soldier on but it means that if even the slightest fluctuation from my planned scheduled makes me feel like I failed. I feel I didn't work hard enough. I wasn't focused enough. I didn't give it my all. 

Let me tell you, that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. And it isn't all that helpful. All I honestly have control over is right now, and even then it isn't control. It's more a flow of making decisions. My aim should be 'make more good decisions than bad ones.' Not 'make every decision exactly right.'

And to be honest, life isn't going to be perfect, flexible and easy once I get back to the pre-surgery weight or when work lightens up. It'll be something else that will keep tensions high. So I'm going to keep focusing on making good, healthy and positive choices now and hopefully, all those little steps will keep me on a good path. 

Bouncing Back

I'm alive, I'm human, and I feel motivated and energized. Today's been full gas from the start, but at least physically I had the energy to take it as it comes. I've had a day chocked full of conference calls, a lunch meeting and work.work.work. Much of this is because I put things off all week due to travel and sheer exhaustion. It all caught up with me today.

It seems like slowing down yesterday was the wise move. I did crawl into bed last night and look at my Fitbit and think, "I really should have gotten out and walked yesterday." Mentally, slowing down isn't my strongest skill. But I slept for about 10 1/2 hours (WHAT?!) and woke up without an alarm this morning feeling much better. Able to actually tackle the day, which I think would have been impossible if I didn't take yesterday so easy.

Today, I keep trying to find time to squeeze in a workout or to go for a walk, but that hasn't happened yet, and the sun will set soon. So instead of writing more, I'm going to lace up my sneakers, download a podcast and get the first bit of movement and fresh air since Sunday.