Impending Travel Days

I've lived out of a suitcase and on the road for several years, but it still amazes me how the transition throws me off every time. When I'm home, I get a little nervous about leaving. When I'm about to head home, I get anxious about all the free time and basic tasks like grocery shopping. Either way, I transition so quickly and seamlessly that it makes me slightly bemused that this still happens.

I'm heading out tomorrow for about 10 days but that'll include quite a few flights, time zone changes, and two contientents. It should be a great few days of work and I'm excited for what's to come. Food is the only thing that even brings me concern. Will I have access to food that I can eat? For the past few trips, I've packed a lot of backup food with me (cans of tuna, bags of lentil, protein powders and bars) but I'm kind of wing it for this trip. I'll throw in some protein powder and a few bars but otherwise, I'm going to figure it out on the way. That's all part of the adventure, right?

Milan-San Remo Monday

This week is full gas; one of those weeks that the whole calendar is based off of. I knew all weekend today would be big; I woke up this morning feeling blah, feeling overwhelmed. I felt like my to-do list was so long that it couldn't be tackled. I felt defeated before starting. And it was only 7:30 am. 

I spent the weekend thinking about this. I knew feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and buried wasn't how I wanted to start the week. I tried to avoid it and here it was. So I took a few moments to slow down and make the conscious decision to approach everything better.

instead of feeling buried by that massive to-do list, I told myself I would get it done. I'm not lazy and checking boxes would be enough. There was no need to approach it like it was anything bigger than a list. Step-by-step. 

But more importantly, I decided to find a happy, positive and good mental place to approach it all from. Instead of being buried, I tackled it.  

Guess what. It's after 10:30 pm and I worked until now. I never saw this coming. But I'm okay. It was all for the greater good and I'm excited about things to come. I smiled throughout the day, grabbed moments where I could and basically just went with things. Do I want to work this late? No. I have pretty strict boundaries I try to keep. Yet sometimes it's worth it and for the next two weeks, this might be more my norm than my exception. If I can keep approaching it from a positive, calm place, I feel pretty confident I can weather it (there better be some relaxing at the end of this!!!!) 

Con Brio!!! 

Unwrapping Food

I write about food on here frequently, but I rarely talk about my relationship with food. Like many people, mine is dynamic and I'm working on peeling back the layers to better understand that relationship. I often feel like food is an aspect of my life that I'm blindly figuring out, yet I know it has such a direct impact on my health and everyday life. I feel like figuring all that out will help me find a better balance.

For as long as I remember, food has been my enemy. This isn't in an eating disorder way, instead, food and I don't agree. As a child, apparently I couldn't be taken out of the house until I was like 2 years old because I was a projectile vomiter, Exorcist-style. I was born with a dairy allergy and I don't think I ever grew out of it. Like any kid, I loved sweets, candy and ice cream but all of this made me feel sick. I hated pizza, something no one could understand, and it was because of how sick and uncomfortable it made me feel. I didn't know this was abnormal; I thought everyone felt this way after they ate. 

Around age 10, my relationship and identity with food took another turn. A direct family member decided I only should eat salads for lunch and told me I was getting fat. I was only allowed to eat the amount and types of food they determined were okay. Again, I didn't know this was abnormal; I thought everyone went through this. So on top of food not making me feel good, I felt like it was naughty.

At 16, I was diagnosed with crohn's disease and spent the next ~10 years off and on prednisone fiarly regularly. I fluctuated from underweight to the steroid moonface. Another defining moment was when that same person told me that I was so fat that I was starting to embarrass the family. 

Above left: I'm the middle kid. This is about the age when I was told I needed to eat salads and learn to hold my stomach in at all times because I was getting fat. Above center and right: Junior year in high school and around the time I was told I was an embarrassment to be seen with because I was so fat. I think I probably weigh about the same today as I did then.

By 23, I was diagnosed with celiacs disease and since then a whole host of other autoimmune conditions and food allergies. Eating feels like walking through a minefield. Will it make me feel good or will it leave me feeling awful, sick and lethargic? Mix that with the ingrained belief that not eating is the best option and my relationship with food is a bit dynamic on a good day and a near nightmarish challenge on a bad day. I've never had a true eating disorder or had my own personal motivations/demons to be the skinniest person in the room; instead, I kept getting told by an outside source that my goals should be to be the skinniest version of me possible.

And I've been the skinniest version of me. Typically, it occurs when I'm having a flare-up, running a low-grade fever for weeks and/or not being able to eat much. I've been at points in my life where I've had to work to gain weight. And guess what, I didn't like it. I had no energy and I didn't feel good. I have no desire to be that person. Yet when I've been there, I get told I have the most amazing arms ever and I should work to try and keep those. All these inputs somehow get scrambled and leave me confused about how to make good food choices. Or make choices that don't leave me feeling guilty.

For me, my aim is to be the strongest version of me, definitely not the skinniest. I want the version of me that has energy to tackle the day, feels good after I eat something (without pain or regret) and moves on to the next thing. Coming to Belgium has helped a lot. Over the past five years, I've taken the time to prioritize enjoying nice meals and sipping good drinks. I deal with the flares and I haven't gained any real weight, despite the fact that I let myself eat all the foods I was raised to think were off-limits and bad. I do try to avoid my food allergies and prioritize keeping my crohn's calm above basically everything else.

Do I have it all figured out? No. Do I have a tendency to always think I should eat as little as possible? Yes. But I'm slowing shedding that part of me. I still battle the voice in my head that tells me I shouldn't eat or that less is always better. Living in Belgium has helped immensely and I'm slowly getting to the point where simply feeding myself healthy, real food when my body is hungry and indulging occasionally are what guide me. That and just being happy. Above all, I just want a relationship with food that is calm.

Aligning on Abundance

Aligning on abundance, say what?! Those seem just like funny words strung together. But it's actually a mindset I try to focus on. It doesn't mean having the most money in the world or owning a closet full of shoes, it is more a broader mentality that I try to approach life with. Something more like focusing your aims and intentions on garnering life's riches.

For the last week, maybe longer, I've sort of lost that path. I think it was clear in my writing that I was in a more negative place than I like to be. I don't think that's any one person or thing's fault, I actually take all that responsibility on myself. For the past week or so, I simply focused on doing and acting for other people. Sure, at times I thought about, "what do I need or want" but that was pretty rare and I feel that was a universal fault of mine. I'm happier and everyone else is happier when decisions are made from that positive place of "what do I need or want".

Today, I slowed down and tackled the day with that intention. Sure, I still worked probably 6-8 hours. But I also stopped by and saw a friend, got out for a 7-kilometer walk, snuck in some yoga and made a dinner that fed my soul (white bean soup and grilled salmon salad). The reason that I was able to get myself to a happier place was that I tried to make decisions based on what would bring me the most joy and happiness. "What do I need or what"?

It might be strange for some, but my work brings me such joy and happiness. I absolutely adore my job and even more so, I love my riders and this unique project. We are at a big race in Italy and they are riding like rockstars. I love being able to showcase that. Most people wouldn't want to work on a Saturday, but I have so many goals I want to achieve professionally for this project this year, that it means I want to work on a Saturday. And most likely another full day again tomorrow on a Sunday. I want to know that I'm putting in all the effort that I can to help us succeed.

This shift in mentality was greater than just work. I also decided it was time to let go of the whole pre-surgery weight battle. Every year, my happiest weight, confidence, and food times are around the US races--Tour of California, Utah and Colorado. Today, I tried to figure out why and a large part of it is just being back in the States and having familiar foods. But it's also greater than that. When I'm in the US, I let myself enjoy because I know I'm not going to get tacos, roasted hatch chilies or a local California pinot again anytime soon. I prioritize the good things and somehow everything else falls into place. It dawned on me today that maybe I should prioritize the good things, live life now as if it was where I wanted it to be and then simply see what happens? No more focusing on the I shouldn't or I can't have or do...yet also taking a moment when making decisions to ensure they are the right ones. Not just blindly doing this. That's why the US model works--I know to appreciate.

Life has taught me that focusing on the good things won't let you down....so why not focus on an abundance of good things? And let's see where this leads.....

Anticipation and Expectations

Warning, this is another lame post. After yesterday's post, I was hoping I'd get to write a positive, glowing post revealing some details after that somewhat vague write-up. But no. Instead, I'm back in limbo for another month.

There is really no other way to put it but I'm sad. I'm not sure why or where I came up with the notion that I'd have an answer today, but that didn't happen. Without going into too many details, I think I'm mainly let down by my expectations. That's what is leaving my bummed on the day. Overall, the day went fine...possibly even went positive. And I haven't been deported. I just wanted some answers and a little resolve after all the worrying and stressing I've been going through.

So instead, I regroup. Resilience is one of my fortes. I'll put my head down, get some work done tomorrow even though it's Saturday (apologies to all those unanswered emails today...) and maybe take it a little easy after playing entertainer for the week. A calm, quiet weekend at home sounds luxurious and restorative.

 I'll be back tomorrow. With a little more spark and joie de vivre, I promise. I know I've got it pretty good with this life I lead......

Tomorrow: March 10th

Tomorrow is an incredibly important day for my life, my career, sort of my everything. The date has been looming for nearly three months and a lot of things come down to a decision. This has nothing to do with my team nor my employer. More the country I live in.

Basically, send me super good wishes and warm thoughts from tonight through tomorrow afternoon Euro time. Hopefully, I'll have a joyful and gleeful post tomorrow evening that'll be a bit more informative. 

Battling Future Thinking

Like any Type A personality, I battle with stress and anxiety, especially when it comes to control. I guess you could say I have some control issues. While I live and work in a world that is constantly in flux (and I can handle all that fairly seamlessly), it's the little things that I want to have complete control over. Sure, I never know if I'll be home or traveling in a week from now and that causes no issues. If I wake up to more tasks, errands or chores than expected, I may freak. Overall, it's the weight and to-do list that wreaks havoc. 

I find myself thinking, 'when I get back to my pre-surgery weight, I can be happy and have a little more flexibility.' Maybe enjoy what I'm eating. Or 'after June, the Tour of California and work calming down, I can relax and find some free time for a hobby or two.' Maybe enjoy going to a movie or taking an afternoon off. 

I  think it's this future thinking that causes my anxiety and stress. I do it because it helps me compartmentalize and soldier on but it means that if even the slightest fluctuation from my planned scheduled makes me feel like I failed. I feel I didn't work hard enough. I wasn't focused enough. I didn't give it my all. 

Let me tell you, that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. And it isn't all that helpful. All I honestly have control over is right now, and even then it isn't control. It's more a flow of making decisions. My aim should be 'make more good decisions than bad ones.' Not 'make every decision exactly right.'

And to be honest, life isn't going to be perfect, flexible and easy once I get back to the pre-surgery weight or when work lightens up. It'll be something else that will keep tensions high. So I'm going to keep focusing on making good, healthy and positive choices now and hopefully, all those little steps will keep me on a good path. 

Too Tired

Too tired and too late to post something. I'm waking up at 6am to get a few hours of work in before my sister gets up. That way we have some free time together before working again through the afternoon. Leaves me exhausted but eager for tomorrow.  So now I zzzzzz.....

Sister Time

Interestingly enough, I had this title saved as a post back on December 9th but never wrote a word. It was the day after my birthday and the final full day of December training camp. I was heading out the next day to spend several days with my sister. Obviously, I never got around to writing that post. 

Growing up, I wouldn't call my sister, Abby, and I close. There are six years between us and at that point, those six years felt like decades. As the baby of the family, I simply saw her as a second mother.  She was responsible, organized and always followed the rules. I've always tended towards a more boyish energy, chaos, rough and tumble, and enamored by my older brothers. 

When I was around four years old, Abby, my brother Will, and I were in our beach house grabbing a box of crayons. My parents recently purchased a new washer and dryer, and we were allowed to make forts and color them. I don't remember the sound or the feeling when the lightning bolt struck the house. What I do remember is all the appliances going on-blenders, mixers, etc-and electric sockets shooting across the wall and smashing through the drywall on the other side. It was absolute chaos and we didn't even know that a fire started up above our heads.

What I do remember is Abby, who was around 10 years old, making my brother and I walk single file down the multiple flights of stairs. She took up the rear with no fear. In my mind, she was in complete control of the situation. Maybe she totally was; I've never asked. 

The rest of my childhood and teenage age years floated by without us ever being close. We were so different that there were rarely any battles over makeup, the TV or clothes and our schedules were off enough that I don't remember fighting over the bathroom despite the fact we shared one.

Without a doubt, my dad's death is what brought us together. My dad was diagnosed with terminal colon cancer in Spring 2005. He had no symptoms and was diagnosed after a routine colonoscopy. It was Stage IV, and he was given three months to live. He ended up living for 10 months, and during that time, the family rallied around him and each other. Regardless of distance or careers, we all came home frequently.

It was then that I remember noticing for the first time how much my sister and I saw ourselves as daddy's girls. He absolutely adored and cherished us, and we found a mutual bond in that. Through that period and beyond, we supported and comforted one another. I'm not sure if I would have made it through with as much grace and definitely wouldn't be as well adjusted without her. Maybe she feels the same; I've never asked.

This Wednesday, March 8th, serves as the 11th year anniversary since my dad died. Abby is here in Belgium with me and we get to toast his life and being his daughters together. I've never stopped missing him, and one thing I am absolutely positive about is that he would be so proud of the relationship my sister and I have cultivated and encouraged to prosper over the past decade+.

Sunday Funday

This is going to be brief but I'm staying true with my daily posts! It's been an incredibly lazy day. I stayed in bed until 10am, watched random TV until at least noon and then wandered around town for awhile. I had things on my to-do list and I basically ignored every single one. There is a part of me that's proud of that move because it's rare for me to turn off my Type A side.

My sister arrives from the US in the morning. She's only here until Friday morning yet I still have full-time, full-gas work. I was stressing when I thinking about juggling it all. 

Then I decided to change my approach. When people come visit me, I feel like I have to create the perfect holiday. It takes its toll on me and rarely leaves me happy. So for this trip, all that's out the window. Instead, I'm going to try and focus on making it an enjoyable week for me that gets to include my sister. I won't ignore all my needs in an attempt to make someone else happy. I've got a few plans in place to keep all the plates spinning (waking up extra early) but otherwise, I plan for us to decide our days together and just flow as it comes. I won't be acting like the tour guide and that takes so much pressure off me. 

So far, I haven't even vacuumed and mopped. Apparently what she sees is what she's getting when it comes to my life. And I'm fine with that. 

Vacation Envy

This post might sound absolutely ridiculous because I travel basically non-stop. What people don't know is that I rarely get to be a tourist. I spend most of my time in parking lots and hotels. I don't spend time visiting museums, eating at restaurants or seeing iconic landmarks. A race counts as a cultural experience if I manage to make it to a supermarket. So yes, I've visited all the continents except Antarctica, Yet, I rarely get a taste of the local culture. Instead, I judge these experiences based on hotel buffet, access to coffee and race transfers. 

I'm home this weekend and loving it. Please realize that the weather still leaves much to be desired but that's Belgium. 

On my Instagram feed, I'm seeing loads of photos of friends taking weekend trips skiing, to the beach or a jaunt to a city for a foodie trip. And I'm jealous. Typically, I go on one good 10-day vacation and a few weekend trips a year, but last year proved challenging, particularly due to the foot surgery, and basically none of that happened. 

Now this year, the Roommate and I are passing ships in a storm (the closest I'll get to seeing him is potentially on TV during Strade today) and I get a bit lonely and jealous. I want to go for a long weekend somewhere and having a good dining companion. So instead of complaining or wallowing, I'm going to pull out the calendar and figure out ways to maximize. It probably won't happen until late May and after the Tour of California, but a great little vacation is in my future. Maybe a convertible rental car and somewhere along CA Route 1? A wine tasting adventure? A jaunt to Cabo to go fishing?? Ahhhh, the options!!!

The Trump Conundrum

I hinted about my thoughts on the whole Trump situation about a week or so ago. Being an American who lives abroad, it is a topic that's constantly brought up. Despite the fact all my university degrees have a connection to political science and international relations, I aim to avoid political conversations. I could get into a whole other post about why but truth be told, it would be boring.

Now I'm kicking the notion of avoiding these conversations into hyper-drive. I don't agree with our current administration, but I'm avoiding these conversations because they are so negative and only promote fear and speculation. I agree--it is a terrifying time, and I'm not naive or oblivious. I know I'm fortunate that I don't have to worry about keeping my home, my livelihood, my lawful right to love, and a whole host of other topics that people now fear on a daily basis they will lose. 

I keep getting roped into these Trump conversations, and they aren't productive. I go out of my way to face the day with positivity and focus on the good things. I think this approach has allowed me to grow and achieve some pretty incredible things to date. When I get sucked into the Trump speculation, I never exit feeling good, empowered to tackle the day or excited about the world as a whole. 

So going forward, I'll politely excuse myself or segway into a non-related topic, so don't be surprised. This doesn't mean I'm not worried about the world; it just means that I think one of my better gifts to the world is my positive energy and I want to stay focused on that.