Unwrapping Food

I write about food on here frequently, but I rarely talk about my relationship with food. Like many people, mine is dynamic and I'm working on peeling back the layers to better understand that relationship. I often feel like food is an aspect of my life that I'm blindly figuring out, yet I know it has such a direct impact on my health and everyday life. I feel like figuring all that out will help me find a better balance.

For as long as I remember, food has been my enemy. This isn't in an eating disorder way, instead, food and I don't agree. As a child, apparently I couldn't be taken out of the house until I was like 2 years old because I was a projectile vomiter, Exorcist-style. I was born with a dairy allergy and I don't think I ever grew out of it. Like any kid, I loved sweets, candy and ice cream but all of this made me feel sick. I hated pizza, something no one could understand, and it was because of how sick and uncomfortable it made me feel. I didn't know this was abnormal; I thought everyone felt this way after they ate. 

Around age 10, my relationship and identity with food took another turn. A direct family member decided I only should eat salads for lunch and told me I was getting fat. I was only allowed to eat the amount and types of food they determined were okay. Again, I didn't know this was abnormal; I thought everyone went through this. So on top of food not making me feel good, I felt like it was naughty.

At 16, I was diagnosed with crohn's disease and spent the next ~10 years off and on prednisone fiarly regularly. I fluctuated from underweight to the steroid moonface. Another defining moment was when that same person told me that I was so fat that I was starting to embarrass the family. 

Above left: I'm the middle kid. This is about the age when I was told I needed to eat salads and learn to hold my stomach in at all times because I was getting fat. Above center and right: Junior year in high school and around the time I was told I was an embarrassment to be seen with because I was so fat. I think I probably weigh about the same today as I did then.

By 23, I was diagnosed with celiacs disease and since then a whole host of other autoimmune conditions and food allergies. Eating feels like walking through a minefield. Will it make me feel good or will it leave me feeling awful, sick and lethargic? Mix that with the ingrained belief that not eating is the best option and my relationship with food is a bit dynamic on a good day and a near nightmarish challenge on a bad day. I've never had a true eating disorder or had my own personal motivations/demons to be the skinniest person in the room; instead, I kept getting told by an outside source that my goals should be to be the skinniest version of me possible.

And I've been the skinniest version of me. Typically, it occurs when I'm having a flare-up, running a low-grade fever for weeks and/or not being able to eat much. I've been at points in my life where I've had to work to gain weight. And guess what, I didn't like it. I had no energy and I didn't feel good. I have no desire to be that person. Yet when I've been there, I get told I have the most amazing arms ever and I should work to try and keep those. All these inputs somehow get scrambled and leave me confused about how to make good food choices. Or make choices that don't leave me feeling guilty.

For me, my aim is to be the strongest version of me, definitely not the skinniest. I want the version of me that has energy to tackle the day, feels good after I eat something (without pain or regret) and moves on to the next thing. Coming to Belgium has helped a lot. Over the past five years, I've taken the time to prioritize enjoying nice meals and sipping good drinks. I deal with the flares and I haven't gained any real weight, despite the fact that I let myself eat all the foods I was raised to think were off-limits and bad. I do try to avoid my food allergies and prioritize keeping my crohn's calm above basically everything else.

Do I have it all figured out? No. Do I have a tendency to always think I should eat as little as possible? Yes. But I'm slowing shedding that part of me. I still battle the voice in my head that tells me I shouldn't eat or that less is always better. Living in Belgium has helped immensely and I'm slowly getting to the point where simply feeding myself healthy, real food when my body is hungry and indulging occasionally are what guide me. That and just being happy. Above all, I just want a relationship with food that is calm.

Dubai Eats

Eating in Dubai has been...fairly boring. I ate race buffet 90% of the time, which means the same exact meal, every time. It's simply too expensive to eat elsewhere when food is provided. Thanks to being gluten and dairy free, this definitely limited my choices and I ended up eating basically the same thing every day. It wasn't very inspiring.

• Breakfast: 2-3 egg whites and to just try and make it exciting, some pickles, mustard, pickled onions, and capers. I know...it wasn't good and my stomach hated me for it. I'm in no hurry to repeat this meal. Except that I ate it for a week straight. Ugh.
• Copious amounts of coffee and tea until I left for the race. My hotel room had a Nespresso machine and the first thing I did when my alarm went off was to make an espresso. I really should think about installing one of these on my bedside table at home....what's this silliness of walking to the kitchen?! Also, I skipped all faux-dairy products for the week. Eager to get back to coconut or almond milk. Basically desperately. 
• Lunch: I went to a grocery store and bought a few cans of no-drain tuna that were actually quite tasty and a few avocados. Every evening, I would fill up a plastic container with lettuce and some veggies (typically cucumbers, mushrooms, and peppers) from the race buffet and then add in the tuna and avocado at lunch time. I topped with some of my travel oil and vinegar packets. It wasn't exciting but it got me through.
• Snacks: Cashews, almond butter or beef jerky. Not my finest moments. Probably didn't need all those nuts, fats and calories.
• Dinner: Typically a that I would top with grilled (typically with too much oil for my liking) vegetables and some kind of protein.

And that was it. The same nearly single day, especially for breakfast.

So, by this morning, I'd hit a wall. I was staying in Dubai for an extra day to do some additional work and there was no longer a race buffet. I did a fancy dance, a full-on celebration and loaded up my plate. What you see above isn't everything I ate. It got a little out of control, quickly. There was another plate of veggies and then some scrambled eggs. I was so excited for the variety that I couldn't hold myself back.

Tomorrow--I head back to Belgium for a little bit. I already have all my meals for the next week worked out in my mind.

Eats on the Road: Travel Day

As a general rule, I try to avoid plane food. I'm willing to say I've never eaten a plane meal and thought, "Mmmm, that was delicious. I'm happy I ate it." But thanks to a blood sugar issue, I can't skip eating, so I plan ahead and bring snacks.

Took a piece of fruit from home and grabbed a soy latte and sparkling water at the train station. Ate most of it on the train to the Brussels Airport. It was a shockingly bad latte.

I spend a lot of time on planes, so eating healthy is pretty important to me. If I let every travel day be a "cheat" day, then it'd quickly catch up with me. And the food is never worth it. So I try to stick to fruits, veggies and the occasional bar.

My sister found me these Julian Bakery bars and I've since ordered a box of the sunflower butter ones. Only 150 calories, 20 grams of protein and gluten, peanut and dairy free. They aren't super delicious, but they aren't bad...which is actually what I want. I want to eat it because I need food, not because I'm bored and just snacking.

When I flew to the US last weekend, I took with me a variety of snacks so I could pass on the sad chicken salad or the "before we land" snack. Being peanut and gluten free, this means I skip on the peanuts and pretzels. (I do get excited when flights hand out cashews or almonds...) 

I wish I had some salsa to enjoy with these Party-Tizers Dippin Chips but felt good to get in some veggies as part of my salty snack.

Last week's trip left Brussels, passed through Prague before landing at JFK. Many of these snacks came from my Love With Food gluten-free snack box subscription. So excited they deliver to Belgium!

I'm a super fan of these Got Snacks Roasted Coconut Chips in cinnamon honey. I kept trying to put them down but in about five minutes, I'd eaten the whole bag.

When I travel, I try to get a meal or at least grab something to go during a layover.  The Prague Airport was a little lacking. There was a juice bar, but it was closed while the staff went on break at noon......really?! Everything else was just....no.

This is why I try to steer clear of the unhealthy snacks...I have zero self-control. I probably had three (maybe four) mugs of potato chips. And I don't regret it.

Instead of grabbing sub pair food, I hit the lounge where I ate my body weight in potato chips and a few splashes (glasses) of only okay wine. I'm not always so good at that whole 'don't drink while flying' advice, but at least I try to offset it with loads of water.