Foot Surgery - 3 Months Post-Op

On December 28th, I went in for my three-month post surgery appointment. It both seems like FOREVER ago and so super recently that I had my surgery. All went smoothly with the doctor and he told me that I'll continue to have swelling and pain for another three months and that the stiffness should start to decrease. He seemed pleased with my range of motion and told me that I don't need to come back in unless I have a new issue. All great news.

• Surgery story
• Three-days post-op update
• 12-days post-op update
• One month post-op update

My scar is now nearly invisible. I'm so amazed and impressed with my surgeon. 

My approach to the foot surgery is a little unique because all medical input shows that I'll need it again on my other (right) foot eventually. So throughout this, I've used my left foot as an assessment for when (or if) I'll get it done to the other foot.

The past week or so has actually been really tough on my surgery foot. It has felt very stiff and the pain and swelling have increased. I think this is due to the change in temperatures and dampness outside. I notice my foot doesn't adjust to changes such as cold/warm/cold very well and it simply refuses to bend properly. Again, my doctor has said all of this is completely normal.

Also, I still can't wear most of my shoes. I have a few pairs of Josef Seibel's and a pair of Uggs (with absolutely zero support) that work but it is really limited to basically a pair of ankle boots and my Altra Provision 3.0. This is one of my biggest annoyances so I decided to invest in two new pairs of Josef Seibel's: a knee-high boot and another pair of ankle boots. Josef Seibel's have proven to be the best shoe out there that fits my foot, offers plenty of support and holds up to the wear-and-tear of being worn every.single.day. Now if they'd only hurry up and arrive!

As for the right foot, I try to use the pain and discomfort of my left foot as a metric. My right foot definitely hurts. It increases in discomfort with this weather, but it still isn't as bad as my left foot yet. Maybe it'll never get there, which would be fantastic. I'm in no hurry to go through this surgery again.

Reconnecting with Me

I really think I went a little off the deep-end last week when it came to control. I realize that we never have complete and real control over our lives but I felt it even more astutely over the past week or two. I turned that chaotic feeling inward and really tried to hold myself to standards that were downright stupid.

I had my foot surgery seven weeks ago today. At this point, I can walk probably seven kilometers without any problems, I can comfortable get my foot into three different pairs of shoes and my pain is relatively low. That is major progress but instead of appreciating and rewarding myself, I decided it was time to put things into high gear in regards to pain and discomfort. 

I tried not to eat any carbs, eat as little overall as possible and even had the desire to go for two workouts a day (fortunately I simply ran out of time or never could rally myself to go do it now that it's cold and rainy in Gent). I managed to stick to this for nearly two weeks. And guess what showed on the scale? Absolutely zero progress. And that really drove me nuts and made me feel pretty bad about myself.

Instead of doubling (quadrupling?) my efforts, I decided to take a step back and reassess. I don't think I comprehended all the pressure I've put on my body these past two months with surgery, anesthesia and recovery. I've been going to physical therapy every.single.day. It hasn't been easy and I haven't been lazy. In the past two+ week, I went to Asia twice: Japan and then China. When I start looking at it through someone else's eye, I can totally understand why despite my best efforts, my body was holding on to every ounce. It is in total survival mode; it no longer remembers what normal looks and feels like.

So these past few days, I've been kinder. I've eaten some carbs, I drank some wine, I didn't feel guilty when I failed to do yoga. I tried to focus on simply making health choices: move in a way that brings enjoyment every day, eat wholesome, healthy foods, and have compassion and empathy for myself. And the strangest desire started happening. I started to crave to move more. Not for calorie reasons but to reconnect with my body. I got excited to lift weights (I haven't in months and months due to the feet) or go for a swim. Nothing strenuous, more spending time with me. And I decided the weight is what it is. If I keep moving and eating well, the surgery weight will come off when it is ready. And I'm okay with that.

Feeling Frustrated and too self absorbed

I haven't posted much this week despite aiming to do it every.single.day. I couldn't exactly put my finger on the reason. I've been super stressed about work this week, which definitely hasn't helped but I don't think that is specifically the cause. 

A lot of the reason is juggling life. In addition to work being full gas, I had to submit a massive binder worth of documents into the Belgian government yesterday. It took a month worth of daily effort, working (and paying a very pretty penny) to a Belgian bookkeeper and simply persevering through a language I'm far from fluent in. And at the end of all of this, I have no idea if they'll extend my visa. I hope they will, I believe they will, but really I have no idea. Also, I don't know how long it'll take them to get me an answer. My current visa expires in February so hopefully, I'll have an answer before time gets tight.

Then there are a lot of little things adding up -- one that stands out is trying to figure out Obamacare for next year (I've loved the Belgian system and now with Trump president, who knows if Obamacare will even exist, especially for those of us with pre-existing conditions). I feel fortunate I have an alternative but I would love to stop spending $500 a month for a US insurance that I don't really use. The only reason I do it is I'm terrified I'll get really hurt or sick and need to go back to the States. Wish I had a crystal ball which could tell me what was the right decision.

And the last stress might just be the most vapid and vain and it's the biggest one. I've been basically obsessed with losing my surgery weight. I'm not eating carbs, trying to eat as little as possible, drinking a ton of water, walking all.day.long, lifting, doing yoga, etc.etc.etc. It isn't budging. I head to Hawaii in a little over 10 days and I would like to feel more confident about myself. Sadly, I bought bathing suits months ago that I don't think are going to get worn. And I don't know what else I can. 

I know my weight fluctuation isn't huge and I'm still a fit, healthy woman. I get this shouldn't fall under the "important" column but I'll admit I'm obsessed. And turning into a fairly awful human because of it. Hungry Fitzalan isn't a pretty sight. Hungry, stressed Fitzalan is a full on nightmare.

Maybe I'm so obsessed because I feel like my weight is the one thing I should be able to completely control. Vapid, yes. Frustrating, yes. Is it adding to an overall unhappiness right now? Definitely. Now I just need to figure out how to climb back out of here because it isn't fair to me or any of the other people who have to interact with me. 

One Month Post-op Update

I had my second post-op doctor appointment yesterday since having foot surgery a little over a month ago. To tell you the truth, it hasn't gone as well as I'd like for the past week. While the foot held up well in Japan, it went down hill when I got home: increased swelling, pain and felt super hot. All the signs that healing had stopped. I was actually going backward.  My physical therapist first put me back in the boot but the foot kept getting worse, so then I was put back on crutches. 

These steps backward were super frustrating. Being stuck on the sofa with my leg elevated all day was hard to handle. I'm ready to be working out, moving freely, feeling normal. To me, I felt like I was being lazy and I didn't enjoy needing someone else to help me with lots of basic tasks. I was annoyed edging on bitter.

Fortunately, I had a doctor's appointment before heading off to China. I knew talking to him would help put me at ease. After a super long wait, the doctor walked in, checked out the foot and said it was healing wonderfully. I told him I had been put back in the boot and was so frustrated by the pain, swelling, etc. He looked at me and said, "Welcome to your next six months of life. This is completely normal and is going to happen again and again and again." 

He stressed icing and elevating when it flared and maybe going back in the boot and taking it easy, but when it calmed down, I should lead as normal of a life as possible. This news was so reassuring. I can handle pain. I can push through pain. And those are often my problems because I'm willing to ignore signs that something is wrong because I'm stubborn. It was nice to get the green light to behave this way and know I wasn't going to jeopardize the success of the surgery.

So this morning, I set off for Beijing. It's a short trip but I'm taking the boot. If I can switch into shoes, I will, but I figure China isn't the place where I need to be pushing it. I also have ice packs and will get ice on the plane, similar to last week's trip to Japan.

If you see someone limping through the Amsterdam airport later today, just give me a little extra space. Travel and people's lack of respect for personal space starts to sketch me out a bit when traveling with this tender foot of mine.

Super Boredom: 12 Days Post-Op

I'm going crazy. This whole not being able to bear weight is driving me nuts. This whole slowing down and recovering from surgery is driving me nuts. I've hit the wall. I'm back to being solo this weekend and woke up this morning feeling super achy and some pain. I had big plans of getting out, crutching around and enjoying the fall weather. Instead, I'm stuck on the couch watching TV. 

One of my brief escapes out into the real world. Proves to be one of my most exciting moments in the past week+.

I'm smarter than this; I've gone through a major surgery not just once, but twice before. I know that these first few weeks are meant for recovery and if I do it right, it'll pay dividends in the end. If I think about the advice I would give my 20 or 25-year-old self, I would tell her to chill out, work hard and know it'll all be okay. Instead, I spent my 20s filled with anxiety and worry that all my motivation and drive wouldn't pan out. That if I took a day off and slowed down, that it would all crumble.

Received some gorgeous flowers from one of my girlfriends. Aren't girlfriends the absolute best?! The blooms helped brighten up the sofa area.

Right now, I know I should be listening to that same advice....chill out, stay on top of my physical therapy and know that it'll all be okay. I'm not going to get fat and lazy. But mentally, it's proving to be such a struggle. I want to speed through this phase and be on to the next one. Maybe that's more of what I need to focus on--being okay with the now, even when the now means this. Learning to embrace the uncomfortable now probably is a skill I could use.