Feeling Frustrated and too self absorbed

I haven't posted much this week despite aiming to do it every.single.day. I couldn't exactly put my finger on the reason. I've been super stressed about work this week, which definitely hasn't helped but I don't think that is specifically the cause. 

A lot of the reason is juggling life. In addition to work being full gas, I had to submit a massive binder worth of documents into the Belgian government yesterday. It took a month worth of daily effort, working (and paying a very pretty penny) to a Belgian bookkeeper and simply persevering through a language I'm far from fluent in. And at the end of all of this, I have no idea if they'll extend my visa. I hope they will, I believe they will, but really I have no idea. Also, I don't know how long it'll take them to get me an answer. My current visa expires in February so hopefully, I'll have an answer before time gets tight.

Then there are a lot of little things adding up -- one that stands out is trying to figure out Obamacare for next year (I've loved the Belgian system and now with Trump president, who knows if Obamacare will even exist, especially for those of us with pre-existing conditions). I feel fortunate I have an alternative but I would love to stop spending $500 a month for a US insurance that I don't really use. The only reason I do it is I'm terrified I'll get really hurt or sick and need to go back to the States. Wish I had a crystal ball which could tell me what was the right decision.

And the last stress might just be the most vapid and vain and it's the biggest one. I've been basically obsessed with losing my surgery weight. I'm not eating carbs, trying to eat as little as possible, drinking a ton of water, walking all.day.long, lifting, doing yoga, etc.etc.etc. It isn't budging. I head to Hawaii in a little over 10 days and I would like to feel more confident about myself. Sadly, I bought bathing suits months ago that I don't think are going to get worn. And I don't know what else I can. 

I know my weight fluctuation isn't huge and I'm still a fit, healthy woman. I get this shouldn't fall under the "important" column but I'll admit I'm obsessed. And turning into a fairly awful human because of it. Hungry Fitzalan isn't a pretty sight. Hungry, stressed Fitzalan is a full on nightmare.

Maybe I'm so obsessed because I feel like my weight is the one thing I should be able to completely control. Vapid, yes. Frustrating, yes. Is it adding to an overall unhappiness right now? Definitely. Now I just need to figure out how to climb back out of here because it isn't fair to me or any of the other people who have to interact with me. 

Super Boredom: 12 Days Post-Op

I'm going crazy. This whole not being able to bear weight is driving me nuts. This whole slowing down and recovering from surgery is driving me nuts. I've hit the wall. I'm back to being solo this weekend and woke up this morning feeling super achy and some pain. I had big plans of getting out, crutching around and enjoying the fall weather. Instead, I'm stuck on the couch watching TV. 

One of my brief escapes out into the real world. Proves to be one of my most exciting moments in the past week+.

I'm smarter than this; I've gone through a major surgery not just once, but twice before. I know that these first few weeks are meant for recovery and if I do it right, it'll pay dividends in the end. If I think about the advice I would give my 20 or 25-year-old self, I would tell her to chill out, work hard and know it'll all be okay. Instead, I spent my 20s filled with anxiety and worry that all my motivation and drive wouldn't pan out. That if I took a day off and slowed down, that it would all crumble.

Received some gorgeous flowers from one of my girlfriends. Aren't girlfriends the absolute best?! The blooms helped brighten up the sofa area.

Right now, I know I should be listening to that same advice....chill out, stay on top of my physical therapy and know that it'll all be okay. I'm not going to get fat and lazy. But mentally, it's proving to be such a struggle. I want to speed through this phase and be on to the next one. Maybe that's more of what I need to focus on--being okay with the now, even when the now means this. Learning to embrace the uncomfortable now probably is a skill I could use.

Surgery Recovery: Day 3

On Monday, I had maybe the most intimidating expat adventure to date--surgery. As I've explained before, I've been battling autoimmune-related arthritis in my feet for over a year now. I went and saw the doctor last week and he said there were no more non-surgical steps left to take. He said the recovery would see me off my feet for about three weeks and the full recovery is six months. Looking at my upcoming travel schedule, I knew I needed it done ASAP. So I booked surgery for Monday and spent the weekend basically trying to minimize total fear and still enjoy walking out in the sun. I think I had my own form of nesting take over, and I started making soups and muffins. Anything to direct all that nervous energy.

Waiting to get wheeled away. Every person questioned what foot and they kindly drew this arrow on my left leg.

The surgery was to take out my big toe joint, clean things up in there and add in screws. We showed up at the hospital at 8:30am, figured out the whole Belgian registration system and then sat in the day surgery waiting room for about an hour. After that, everything went quickly. I was rolled back by 10:15am and was into the post-op room by around 12:30pm. All the doctors and nurses were fantastic and made sure I understood everything that was going on. By 3:30pm, we were getting back to the apartment. 

All smiles heading into surgery. I was just eager to get it all over with and hopefully be on the path to less pained feet.

I won't share a picture of the actual wound because I think it'll gross out too many people. But I have about a 4-5 inch scar down the inside of my left foot starting up at the top joint and stretching down to about the arch. There are 10 stitches. I'm hoping it looks like a good shark bite once it heals.

All I've done for the past three days. It's getting old....very, very old.

Since getting home, I haven't left. It is starting to wear on me. I've spent all my time either on the couch or in bed and I'm antsy to move. There is only so much Netflix I can watch and Flipboard I can read. I'm pushing to get out later today but opinions are still mixed if that is a good idea. 

All that nesting worked out and I've been enjoying some amazing late summer corn chowder (link to recipe).

I was on a fair amount of pain meds the first 40 hours, but the pain started to decrease by yesterday afternoon. As of now, I'm only taking pain meds at night. That's when the pain is by far the worst. Feels like lashes of pain. Icing has actually proven to help with pain more than the actual pain meds, so I've been trying to ice it as much as possible. Pain meds and my stomach don't go together well, so I'll be happy when I'm totally off them. How people get addicted completely confuses me.

It is a look of fear and trepidation every time the nurse removes all the dressing and cleans it out. It hurts but I know it'll help with healing. I also like getting a chance to look at the wound and see how much its healed since the previous day.

One massive benefit of the Belgian health care system is that they send a nurse to the apartment every single day to check on me, clean up the wound and change the dressing. It is absolutely amazing and I look forward to seeing her every day and knowing my wound is being well kept. The first few days, it was bleeding so much that I was told I had to stay bedridden. But today, she said it looked fantastic and that I might be allowed to actually get out and about!

So far, so good on this crazy expat adventure.