Feeling Frustrated and too self absorbed

I haven't posted much this week despite aiming to do it every.single.day. I couldn't exactly put my finger on the reason. I've been super stressed about work this week, which definitely hasn't helped but I don't think that is specifically the cause. 

A lot of the reason is juggling life. In addition to work being full gas, I had to submit a massive binder worth of documents into the Belgian government yesterday. It took a month worth of daily effort, working (and paying a very pretty penny) to a Belgian bookkeeper and simply persevering through a language I'm far from fluent in. And at the end of all of this, I have no idea if they'll extend my visa. I hope they will, I believe they will, but really I have no idea. Also, I don't know how long it'll take them to get me an answer. My current visa expires in February so hopefully, I'll have an answer before time gets tight.

Then there are a lot of little things adding up -- one that stands out is trying to figure out Obamacare for next year (I've loved the Belgian system and now with Trump president, who knows if Obamacare will even exist, especially for those of us with pre-existing conditions). I feel fortunate I have an alternative but I would love to stop spending $500 a month for a US insurance that I don't really use. The only reason I do it is I'm terrified I'll get really hurt or sick and need to go back to the States. Wish I had a crystal ball which could tell me what was the right decision.

And the last stress might just be the most vapid and vain and it's the biggest one. I've been basically obsessed with losing my surgery weight. I'm not eating carbs, trying to eat as little as possible, drinking a ton of water, walking all.day.long, lifting, doing yoga, etc.etc.etc. It isn't budging. I head to Hawaii in a little over 10 days and I would like to feel more confident about myself. Sadly, I bought bathing suits months ago that I don't think are going to get worn. And I don't know what else I can. 

I know my weight fluctuation isn't huge and I'm still a fit, healthy woman. I get this shouldn't fall under the "important" column but I'll admit I'm obsessed. And turning into a fairly awful human because of it. Hungry Fitzalan isn't a pretty sight. Hungry, stressed Fitzalan is a full on nightmare.

Maybe I'm so obsessed because I feel like my weight is the one thing I should be able to completely control. Vapid, yes. Frustrating, yes. Is it adding to an overall unhappiness right now? Definitely. Now I just need to figure out how to climb back out of here because it isn't fair to me or any of the other people who have to interact with me. 

One Month Post-op Update

I had my second post-op doctor appointment yesterday since having foot surgery a little over a month ago. To tell you the truth, it hasn't gone as well as I'd like for the past week. While the foot held up well in Japan, it went down hill when I got home: increased swelling, pain and felt super hot. All the signs that healing had stopped. I was actually going backward.  My physical therapist first put me back in the boot but the foot kept getting worse, so then I was put back on crutches. 

These steps backward were super frustrating. Being stuck on the sofa with my leg elevated all day was hard to handle. I'm ready to be working out, moving freely, feeling normal. To me, I felt like I was being lazy and I didn't enjoy needing someone else to help me with lots of basic tasks. I was annoyed edging on bitter.

Fortunately, I had a doctor's appointment before heading off to China. I knew talking to him would help put me at ease. After a super long wait, the doctor walked in, checked out the foot and said it was healing wonderfully. I told him I had been put back in the boot and was so frustrated by the pain, swelling, etc. He looked at me and said, "Welcome to your next six months of life. This is completely normal and is going to happen again and again and again." 

He stressed icing and elevating when it flared and maybe going back in the boot and taking it easy, but when it calmed down, I should lead as normal of a life as possible. This news was so reassuring. I can handle pain. I can push through pain. And those are often my problems because I'm willing to ignore signs that something is wrong because I'm stubborn. It was nice to get the green light to behave this way and know I wasn't going to jeopardize the success of the surgery.

So this morning, I set off for Beijing. It's a short trip but I'm taking the boot. If I can switch into shoes, I will, but I figure China isn't the place where I need to be pushing it. I also have ice packs and will get ice on the plane, similar to last week's trip to Japan.

If you see someone limping through the Amsterdam airport later today, just give me a little extra space. Travel and people's lack of respect for personal space starts to sketch me out a bit when traveling with this tender foot of mine.

Surgery Recovery: Day 3

On Monday, I had maybe the most intimidating expat adventure to date--surgery. As I've explained before, I've been battling autoimmune-related arthritis in my feet for over a year now. I went and saw the doctor last week and he said there were no more non-surgical steps left to take. He said the recovery would see me off my feet for about three weeks and the full recovery is six months. Looking at my upcoming travel schedule, I knew I needed it done ASAP. So I booked surgery for Monday and spent the weekend basically trying to minimize total fear and still enjoy walking out in the sun. I think I had my own form of nesting take over, and I started making soups and muffins. Anything to direct all that nervous energy.

Waiting to get wheeled away. Every person questioned what foot and they kindly drew this arrow on my left leg.

The surgery was to take out my big toe joint, clean things up in there and add in screws. We showed up at the hospital at 8:30am, figured out the whole Belgian registration system and then sat in the day surgery waiting room for about an hour. After that, everything went quickly. I was rolled back by 10:15am and was into the post-op room by around 12:30pm. All the doctors and nurses were fantastic and made sure I understood everything that was going on. By 3:30pm, we were getting back to the apartment. 

All smiles heading into surgery. I was just eager to get it all over with and hopefully be on the path to less pained feet.

I won't share a picture of the actual wound because I think it'll gross out too many people. But I have about a 4-5 inch scar down the inside of my left foot starting up at the top joint and stretching down to about the arch. There are 10 stitches. I'm hoping it looks like a good shark bite once it heals.

All I've done for the past three days. It's getting old....very, very old.

Since getting home, I haven't left. It is starting to wear on me. I've spent all my time either on the couch or in bed and I'm antsy to move. There is only so much Netflix I can watch and Flipboard I can read. I'm pushing to get out later today but opinions are still mixed if that is a good idea. 

All that nesting worked out and I've been enjoying some amazing late summer corn chowder (link to recipe).

I was on a fair amount of pain meds the first 40 hours, but the pain started to decrease by yesterday afternoon. As of now, I'm only taking pain meds at night. That's when the pain is by far the worst. Feels like lashes of pain. Icing has actually proven to help with pain more than the actual pain meds, so I've been trying to ice it as much as possible. Pain meds and my stomach don't go together well, so I'll be happy when I'm totally off them. How people get addicted completely confuses me.

It is a look of fear and trepidation every time the nurse removes all the dressing and cleans it out. It hurts but I know it'll help with healing. I also like getting a chance to look at the wound and see how much its healed since the previous day.

One massive benefit of the Belgian health care system is that they send a nurse to the apartment every single day to check on me, clean up the wound and change the dressing. It is absolutely amazing and I look forward to seeing her every day and knowing my wound is being well kept. The first few days, it was bleeding so much that I was told I had to stay bedridden. But today, she said it looked fantastic and that I might be allowed to actually get out and about!

So far, so good on this crazy expat adventure.

Tackling Foreign Health Care

I'm spoiled with the Belgian healthcare system. As an American who still keeps insurance in the States, I'm paying and using both. When I signed up for Belgian insurance years ago, they gave me a sheet outlining the plans and their month costs. The Royals Royce of plans cost me €27.93 a month. That's right, basically $30 a month gets me amazing healthcare. I carry a Gold plan through Obamacare for more than $400 a month (just in case I get really sick or hurt and also one of my Crohn's drugs isn't approved in Europe, so I still go to my slew of US doctors annually.) and that basically gives me nothing.

It took me a few years of living here to feel comfortable with tackling the healthcare system. Before this year, I'd only gone to a general practice doctor when I was sick and a dentist when I cracked a tooth. But after a very expensive 2015 year in the US when it came to insurance and medical cost, I decided I had to figure out the Belgium system. Add in all my new health issues, and it simply made sense. I dipped my toe in by going to the dentist for a check up. I'm not a fan of the dentist but this experience went smoothly and my out-of-pocket costs (with x-rays) were around $10. I was sold. 

Regardless of the country, doctor's waiting rooms all look the same.

This January, my feet had deteriorated to the point that I knew I needed an expert. I found a foot orthopedic surgeon and my journey into the Belgian healthcare system began. I've now had x-rays, minor surgery and seen rheumatologists, a gastroenterologist and an acupuncturist. The wait for an appointment can be long, but I've learned that if you need to get in, they get you in.  There are times that I think they are a little more conservative in their approach than I would like and there is a sense of passing the buck around, but all in all, I'd say it's a good system.

Who would have thought my feet would lead to so much agony?! 

After my first trip to the hospital, I dreaded getting the mail and finding the bills. In America, I would be racking up thousands. My first bill for the x-rays came and I cringed while I opened the letter. The bill, obviously all written in Dutch, showed I owed €1.56 out of pocket per x-ray, so around $2 and that included getting them taken and getting them read. I was shocked.

Order for surgery. 

I'm about to dive into the Belgian health care system a little deeper. My foot issues have gotten worse and worse and after delaying nine months, my doctor decided I finally needed surgery. We scheduled it for this upcoming Monday. It is the best time of year to make this happen because I have a few weeks of no travel, so I'll spend that on the couch recovering. The Roommate will be home, so I'll have a nursemaid. I'm not looking forward to the surgery at all, (I'm actually quite terrified) but I am looking forward to walking pain free. He said that'll come about six months post-op. So here we go on another expat adventure.....