2016 Reflections

My life has changed so drastically over the past six years. In December 2010, I was taking injectable hormones in an on-going attempt to get pregnant. I had found out midyear that I was infertile and by New Year's, I was on my last round of hormones. Everything was a total and complete failure and my body failed to respond to any of the drugs. The doctors told me I couldn't bear children. Got to love autoimmune issues....

At the time, it was devastating. I was completely lost and I had no idea what my future or even dreams looked like anymore. I was so lonely throughout this process. At the time, what felt like such a tragedy was actually simply a fork in the road. I had two paths: keep fighting for that dream or create a life that made me happy in a different way. I decided to quit fighting. I threw my hands up and basically started blindly following my passions. If something made me happy, I kept moving towards that. There were definite moments of devasting heartbreak but I knew that life wasn't for me. And the road towards this life of greater content and happiness was really that simple--focusing on the things that made me happy.

Each year since 2010, I've looked forward to the next year and thought, "This will be my best year yet." And I'd end each year thinking, "almost..." or "next year will be the year." Looking back on 2016, I can honestly say it's been my best year since my life took such a major change in direction. It wasn't always easy, but it is turning out pretty great.

Things I learned, relearned or built upon

• Trust your intuition.
• Allow minor fails for major gains.
• Focus on flow. Make decisions based on flow and intuition. Everything doesn't need to be an uphill battle.
• Behaviors and actions mean more than words, comments or statements. 
• Appreciate the calm, quiet times. Remember to recover.
• Patience is crucial. Everything doesn't need to be fixed, healed or figured out immediately.
• Life ebbs and flows. 

Goals for 2017

• Continue following and building upon the lessons learned in 2016.
• Push myself personally and professionally when it comes to decision-making, processes, and efficiency.
• Achieve a greater level of calmness, particularly in stressful or emotional situations.
• Keep appreciating living abroad and this crazy life in Belgium. I have no idea how long it'll last.
• Cherish those amazing relationships in life that are built upon love, trust and respect. Make sure they all know how important they are to me.

Day in the Life: Christmas Edition

I don't think I remember how different Christmas Day is for me in Belgium until it happens. As a kid, I grew up with the super traditional Christmas where everyone went into the living room together, opened gifts and ate breakfast. Now that I have nieces and nephews, the tradition continues with the big difference now that I do it with a mimosa in hand. Yet my last American Christmas was five years ago. 

In Belgium, it is very different, very quiet. That doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I love where I am in life right now and I appreciate these moments. Yet, glancing through everyone's Instagram stories and seeing American Christmas, I felt nostalgic. Every year, the quietness catches me off-guard and makes me miss spending time with my bigger family. 

Here is a glimpse at my expat Christmas:

1am: A nice walk home from Christmas Eve dinner at Carte Blanche. We left around 12:30am and stepped outside into a fairly warm Belgian evening. We walked the long way home along the canal to check out the boats. Then crawled into bed full, happy, and content. 

8am: Woke up and remembered it was Christmas morning. My bed was so warm and cozy so I decided to doze a little longer.

9am: Spent awhile in bed catching up on instagram and Facebook and reading through Flipboard. 

10am: Tried talking the roommate into bringing me coffee in bed. Total failure. That guy can sleep so late, it's almost impressive.

10:30am: Major Christmas fail! Went out to make coffees and learned we only had one pod for the coffee machine and were totally out of milk. It was comical and sad all at the same time. So instead I made a little Christmas breakfast. Neither of us were super hungry yet, so a few eggs and fresh fruit. But to make the eggs special, I cooked them in a little foie gras. Amazing.

1:30pm: After some lazy TV time, we bundled up and headed outside. What was supposed to be a little stroll turned into a nearly 15km hike around town. 

3:00pm: Before returning home, we swung by the neighborhood kerstmis chalet and grabbed two little glühweins to warm up and celebrate the day.

3:30pm: I took a nice long bath followed by a 30-minute nap. It felt so incredibly luxurious. 

5:30pm: A little pre-dinner spread of pate, wagyu beef bresaola, gluten free crackers and more berries.

6:45pm: Headed out into a rainy Belgian evening to meet our Christmas dinner dining companions. Four of us expats got together and did all-you-can-eat ribs for dinner because that's obviously what you do for Christmas. 

10:15pm: It was such a fun evening of laughs and stories. It was a great group to spend the holidays with but sadly, the roommate was feeling under the weather (and woke up this morning downright sick....) by the end. We were home and asleep by 11pm. And no, we didn't have the chocolademousse van de huis.

Getting into the Holiday Spirit

Christmas isn't the same Christmas when living abroad. I'm far away from family and most of my friends. This means I don't have the obligatory office parties, attendance at my niece and nephew's string Christmas performance or the need to avoid the never ending parade of cookies. I'm not spending time out shopping for gifts or fighting for parking spots. It is a very different life from that in the States, and it is so refreshing.

In the five years I've lived in Belgium, I've never returned to the States for Christmas. I've headed back each year for Thanksgiving, but Christmas is tough with December training camps and January training camps/races.  In addition to the logistical challenges, I simply love the holidays here. Gent is already a magical place year round. Add in Christmas lights, Christmas markets and glühwein, and I'm obsessed.

The first year I moved here, I was a little concerned about having Christmas so far away from my family. Would I be lonely?  I was living in Oudenaarde and we went out to an amazing Christmas Eve dinner at Margaretha's. It was several courses, and they timed it so everyone left soon after midnight. When we walked outside, it was snowing for the first time of the year. It was that magical, flurry snowflakes that you see in movies. I knew Christmas in Belgium would work for me.

With all my travels lately, I arrived in Belgium on the 15th of December and had nearly zero holiday spirit. I think it was all the warm weather places. I've never had Christmas somewhere warm, so it felt more like mid-June than two weeks before Christmas. I hadn't been wearing scarves, gloves or furry boots. There was no Jingle Bells or Silent Night. 

I've spent the past five days pouring myself into Christmas. I put up lights and stockings, bought extra bottles of bubbles, double-checked our holiday dinner reservations. I spend each morning as long as possible in my warm, soft winter pajamas. All that was left was locating the perfect living tree or bush to bring inside the apartment. We settled on a Christmas shrub that we plan to move out onto the patio following the holidays. Hopefully, it'll survive the transition; I never like buying and then discarding/killing a tree or plant just for my enjoyment around the holidays.

Now I'm ready to celebrate!

Tackling Foreign Health Care

I'm spoiled with the Belgian healthcare system. As an American who still keeps insurance in the States, I'm paying and using both. When I signed up for Belgian insurance years ago, they gave me a sheet outlining the plans and their month costs. The Royals Royce of plans cost me €27.93 a month. That's right, basically $30 a month gets me amazing healthcare. I carry a Gold plan through Obamacare for more than $400 a month (just in case I get really sick or hurt and also one of my Crohn's drugs isn't approved in Europe, so I still go to my slew of US doctors annually.) and that basically gives me nothing.

It took me a few years of living here to feel comfortable with tackling the healthcare system. Before this year, I'd only gone to a general practice doctor when I was sick and a dentist when I cracked a tooth. But after a very expensive 2015 year in the US when it came to insurance and medical cost, I decided I had to figure out the Belgium system. Add in all my new health issues, and it simply made sense. I dipped my toe in by going to the dentist for a check up. I'm not a fan of the dentist but this experience went smoothly and my out-of-pocket costs (with x-rays) were around $10. I was sold. 

Regardless of the country, doctor's waiting rooms all look the same.

This January, my feet had deteriorated to the point that I knew I needed an expert. I found a foot orthopedic surgeon and my journey into the Belgian healthcare system began. I've now had x-rays, minor surgery and seen rheumatologists, a gastroenterologist and an acupuncturist. The wait for an appointment can be long, but I've learned that if you need to get in, they get you in.  There are times that I think they are a little more conservative in their approach than I would like and there is a sense of passing the buck around, but all in all, I'd say it's a good system.

Who would have thought my feet would lead to so much agony?! 

After my first trip to the hospital, I dreaded getting the mail and finding the bills. In America, I would be racking up thousands. My first bill for the x-rays came and I cringed while I opened the letter. The bill, obviously all written in Dutch, showed I owed €1.56 out of pocket per x-ray, so around $2 and that included getting them taken and getting them read. I was shocked.

Order for surgery. 

I'm about to dive into the Belgian health care system a little deeper. My foot issues have gotten worse and worse and after delaying nine months, my doctor decided I finally needed surgery. We scheduled it for this upcoming Monday. It is the best time of year to make this happen because I have a few weeks of no travel, so I'll spend that on the couch recovering. The Roommate will be home, so I'll have a nursemaid. I'm not looking forward to the surgery at all, (I'm actually quite terrified) but I am looking forward to walking pain free. He said that'll come about six months post-op. So here we go on another expat adventure.....

Tips for Handling Expat Loneliness

I spend a lot of time alone in a foreign country. When I haven't been traveling for work, much of the last five years has been spent alone in Belgium. It is easy to romanticize living in a foreign country - all the great cafes, amazing new foods and incredible sights - but all of that is actually what you enjoy when you are on vacation. Life isn't quite the same when you are living there.

When you live in a foreign country, everyday life becomes more of a battleground. I've spoken about this aspect before (Solo Living and Forgetting Independence Day) but a bigger challenge for me can often be loneliness.

For much of this past July and August, I lived out of a suitcase. I actually thrive living this way: sleeping in hotels and spending time on airplanes. There is a sense of routine to this lifestyle that I embrace.

I've been home for almost a month and it has taken some adjusting. Work has been exceptionally light, which I appreciate, but that means I have much more time to fill. In the past, when I would wake up during times like these, I would feel overwhelmed with how much of the day I had to occupy. You can only read, work out and wander so much. And I shouldn't start drinking booze solo every day by 3pm.

The first few days of getting home after a long haul are all about recovery, but once you've slept as much as you can, now you have to start entertaining yourself. Over the years, these are the habits I've picked up to fill my day:

• Meditating: I try to meditate for at least 10 minutes every morning. I use Headspace and it's a nice way to set the tone for the day.
• Journaling: I write in the mornings and the evenings for maybe two minutes each time. It helps me reflect on the positive things.
• Talking: There have been many times where I think I haven't spoken out loud to someone all day long. This can't be good, so I try to speak to people as much as possible when I'm out.
• Get Out: I head to a cafe, grocery store or shop every single day. Working from home has its benefits, but for me, it can quickly turn me into a hermit. I force myself to go on some adventure every day.
• Dutch: Learning the language has definitely helped me feel more comfortable living here. While my schedule isn't consistent enough to allow me to take traditional classes anymore, now I make myself do Rosette Stone for an hour five days a week. Once I finish the 12th unit (the entire set), I'll write a review on if it is worth it.
• Playing Music: From the moment I'm awake until the evening, I have music on at all times. Silence contributes to loneliness, so playing great tunes really helps.
• Working Out: I have no excuse not to. I walk a lot right now, but in the winter, I'll probably start swimming again more. When it comes to walking, I try to map out different routines or come up with a destination to make it more exciting.
• Podcast: This almost makes me feel pathetic saying, but listening to podcast makes me feel like I'm with friends. Maybe it's a one-sided conversation, but it gives me a sense of interaction. Currently, my favorite podcast are: Tim Ferriss, Jess Lively--The Lively Show, and obviously This American Life.
• Making Good Food: This is a task I used to fail at majorly. I saw the times I was home as the best ways to save money and maybe shed a pound or two. This meant I was eating lots of eggs and as basic and simple as possible. It brought me zero joy. I now plan out meals and make every meal of my day an event. Sure, it means more dishes and it cost more, but one thing I have right now is time.
• Talking with Friends: Most of my friends are six hours or more behind me in time. This means my mornings are particularly quiet without many texts or social media updates coming through. But by lunch onwards, my world begins to come alive. I try to text or call with friends frequently. Google voice and Whatsapp are life savers when it comes to this.
• Yoga: This is partly because I can feel my body getting older and stiffer, but it is also something I do towards the end of my day to slow things down and transition into bedtime with some flexibility yoga. It helps make crawling into bed solo not so strange.
• Save TV: Even with my free time right now, I try not to turn on the TV, except maybe when I'm eating lunch. Instead, I wait until the evening to enjoy TV. It also makes the evening feel a little different and gives me something to look forward to. Belgium got Netflix back in November/December of last year and it's been a game changer. I don't even need cable otherwise (but watching it does help with my Dutch).
• Dog Walking: When all else fails or if I'm feeling especially lonely, I go walk a dog. The Gent animal shelter has volunteer dog walking. Spending time with a dog puts a smile on everyone's face.

Solo Living in a Foreign Country

After nearly five years I've adjusted to being alone in a foreign country, but when I first arrived, loneliness and fear were nearly debilitating. If I let my mind start running, I could come up with a million problems where the solution would be crazy impossible to solve. Even now, knowing that you don't have anyone to fall back on, or even someone to problem solve with, gets excruciatingly scary.

A quick throwback to the time the door handle broke while I was inside.... about a month into moving to Belgium. The closest human I knew was in Qatar.  I was trapped.

Despite having a Roommate, I spend the vast majority of my time alone in Belgium. Sure, I have a few friends that would help me out, but most of my support group is located thousands of miles away. With time zone differences, simply talking to my friends gets challenging.

Getting out and enjoying this city is one of my daily aims, especially when the sun is shining.

Fortunately, my Dutch language skills are strong enough where basic interactions are  easy, but that wasn't always the case. I moved to a small town in Belgium during a particularly miserable winter without any knowledge of Dutch, friends or the area. The first few months were insanely lonely...insanely lonely. Eventually, I forced myself to make friends and went to Dutch classes. Both of those things, particularly the classes, really helped make the transition from being scared to being okay.

Cooking full and complete meals, even if they are only for me, helps with feeling more normal and adjusted to life here. I look forward to grocery shopping and excited about what I can make, even if I'm not sharing. Obviously, Mexican is one of my most common themes.

Now I live in a much larger city, which helps, but I still have to tackle things solo. When you live in a foreign country, simple tasks can get tough...like the time I forgot it was Belgium Independence Day. I tend to be a regular at cafes where I feel comfortable dining solo. Over the years, I have actually grown to enjoy going to the movies solo; it now feels like a treat.

Getting out and exploring, typically by foot, is one of my favorite workouts and ways to see the city. 

With my new fishing obsession (actually not new... I've fished since childhood), this week I'm pushing myself to go to the bait and tackle store solo. I think my hangup on this issue is the fact I'm female. I know it's a little strange, and I'll get looked at for buying worms and heading out to parks to fish solo...yet I don't want to stop my hobby. Typically, beating to my own drum is my theme....yet being a lonely foreigner in a strange country...it can get a little too hard.

Nothing like being the only female in the store...and then one speaking a funny foreign language. It's a little more attention than I like to attract.

Over the past few years, I've embraced this feeling of tackling a challenge. I think I almost thrive feeling a little awkward and uncomfortable. I also think that is absolutely vital to my success here. I feel fortunate and so lucky to be on this adventure and every day I remind myself that I don't want to look back and feel I missed out on something because I was scared. Even at times when I'm solo, I want to live this crazy experience as largely as possible.

An Expat Ode

I've felt it several times today: as I walked out of my apartment, located in the heart of the city, and again this evening sitting outside at my local 'Cheers'. This is home. 

I'm conflicted if I should feel insanely lucky or overwhelmingly proud. Maybe both. The fact I pulled off legally living in Europe without a sponsor and without any family lineage to rely on is nothing to sneeze at. In actuality, I was told it was impossible.

Yet, I'm sitting in a position of reapplying for my visa for the last time. That's because soon I can apply to be a citizen of this strange, small and wonderful country in a matter of months. 

I did this; it was all me. Not a single person helped make this happen, but I will give some credit to that one person who has been my Roommate through it all. Yet, no one held my hand. No one guided the way. I know no one else that has done it, so I couldn't learn from their successes or failures. There were no books on how to thrive in this foreign country, especially with no work and no friends initially, and trying to extricate myself gracefully from an already failed marriage.

It feels possibly like my greatest achievement. This strange, historic city feels more like home than anywhere I've lived in the States. Sure, I'm always the foreigner, but when I sit in my neighborhood cafe and listen to the sounds and watch the people, I feel so at ease. 

Thanks Belgium for taking me in.

Clueless Expat Hiccups

No matter how long I live in Belgium, it always seems like I'm a foreigner. I'm sure some of this has to do with a job that takes me out of the country so frequently and the fact most of my friends are other expats. I'm never truly here and I don't have a normal office/social life to teach me the intricacies.

Trash seems to be a funny topic of contention for expats and frequent travelers. I've heard other people have similar, amusing battles with what to do with trash. Last night, I dutifully put out all my trash. Today was slated to be a trash, recycling and organic waste day. We only get paper and glass once a month. Seeing we travel A LOT, that means it can be three months before we happen to be home on a glass or paper day. If you ever come over, I promise we aren't alcoholics or newspaper hoarders; we simply can't get rid of it.

Each time you think you've got a good grasp on things, something always pops up to remind you that you'll never be native. As I was making my coffee, I glanced out the window to see if the trash had been picked up. It hadn't. In hindsight, I should have known something was wrong last night when I put my trash out around 11 pm, and no one else's trash was out. At the time, I chalked it up to people enjoying Gentse Feesten a bit too much.

Still, it didn't click. Maybe the trash guys were running late? I headed over to my computer and the Google icon was a Belgian flag. Only then did it click....today was a holiday. And not just any holiday. Today is Belgian's Independence Day. It's a big deal with all the fixings of any national day, including outdoor concerts, grilling and fireworks. Being the clueless Belgian, I had absolutely no idea. This would be exactly like not realizing it was July 4th until around noon...after all the morning parades had gone by. It seems impossible but apparently totally doable.

That little hiccup sounds cute but where the real headache lies are both in the trash conundrum and my lack of groceries. I leave on Tuesday, before the next trash day. My apartment will be empty again for 3.5 weeks. I can't leave eggshells, leftovers and lots of old milk cartons here. (We have missed recycling day for about seven weeks.) Yet, Belgium is really strict about illegal trashing. You can't just take it to a public trash can or a dumpster without the risk of a hefty fine. I'm going to have to get creative. So if you see me in running around in the dark of night, dressed like a cat burglar, hauling around a bunch of Hefty bags; I'm not trying to dispose of a body, just trash.

And the groceries....all the stores are closed here on holidays. This even includes most restaurants. I just got home on Tuesday evening and haven't done a real grocery trip because I'm leaving again so soon. It just didn't seem worth stocking up; I simply planned to play it by ear. My current options are eggs or heading out to one of the food trucks set up at the festival.

Belgium: +1. Fitzalan: 0.